My birthday message is for my brother

 I am turning 35 in a few minutes.  

I am grateful for being 35. This is the time that I feel most alive, most aware, and at my healthiest state. I finally mustered the courage to break free, to make decisions based on what I genuinely want, and slowly let go of my "people pleaser" attitude. It is only after three decades that I decided to be true to myself, despite the possibility of people not agreeing with my decisions. 

Yes, I am a late bloomer. And I love it. 

I had a different mindset in my teens and twenties. I felt that I had to keep my reputation well and intact. I had to be a good daughter, a good student, a good employee, and a fine lady in general. As a result, I ended up following exactly what other people would say. I followed by Mother and Uncle to the letter. I became like a human recorder, writing down almost exactly what my teachers lectured in class. I followed every boss's instruction. I acted exactly what the society expects me to be and to do. 

I thought the only reason was that I was scared to make mistakes. But one lovely Wednesday afternoon, just three days before my birthday, I found out the real reason. 

Guilt. 

I had a brother with autism - Andro. He died in 2012. The two of us lived different lives. While I was enjoying my life being a normal child, he spent his days in his wooden bed, eating there, pooping there. Basically his entire life was in that wooden bed. 

While I was studying and gaining friends, he was half naked in his bed, alone in his thoughts only he could understand. While I was becoming a young adult professional earning money and growing my career, he remained in that wooden bed. From being a young boy to a grown man, Andro stayed in his wooden bed. I continuously grow. He stayed the way he was. 

That was the reason why I felt that I cannot make mistakes. I have a normal life. I could have been the child with autism. Andro could have lived my life. But life happened this way. I should be thankful, but a part of me thinks that I didn't deserve all I have. I felt guilty. 

It's been almost 10 years since Andro passed. So this message is very late. 

___

Andro, I am sorry. I am sorry that you lived that way. I am sorry that I was not a good sister. I am sorry that Mom and I had to fight about money just to provide for you. I am sorry that I failed to show you that I love you. 

Andro, thank you. Thank you for setting Mom and I free. I am happy to let you know Mom is enjoying her life now. She is now super capable of helping other people. I know that you always guide her, us. As for me, just think of me as a 20-year old girl trapped in a 35-year old gorgeous body.

My dear brother, I am doing my best to let go of this guilt. Mom and I are living our lives to the fullest. Someday, we will all be united with Uncle. For now, have a blast there in heaven with Uncle (although I seriously think he is trapped somewhere before heaven, just like what I expect to happen to me when I die, because I am quite bad to be in heaven and quite good to be in hell), while we are having a ball here on earth with Mom. 

Andro, you will always be a part of me. Every time I smile, I see your smile, too.