Slow January: A Recap

Truly, January was slow. But unlike everyone who wanted to hasten it, I took my time. The last quarter of 2022 went by so fast. Breakthroughs took place and they all took me by surprise. I wish I could confidently say that I handled them well, but I would be lying. With the crucial decisions I had to make, I ended up hurting the people I value the most. 

I will never be proud of that moment, but it taught me a valuable lesson - to be true to myself and to the people I love. Because they deserve it. Because I deserve it. 

Christmas is my all-time favorite holiday. Even if I am already 35 years old, I still go back to my 14-year old self every Christmas. It feels homey and warm. It is not the same for everyone, but Christmas will always be a fun portion of the year for me. And this holiday got me through a difficult time. Well, not everything was healthy coping. I was drunk for the most part, but most importantly, I was surrounded by people. I am thankful for my Mom's prayers, because in my drunken moments, these people took care of me. Thank you for the good people, even if sometimes I feel that I do not deserve their kindness. 

Going back to slow January, yup, post Christmas. That's when I started feeling the need to heal. I stopped all the bandaid solutions I did last November and December, and bravely looked at my wounded self, these emotional scars I inflicted upon myself. January was an opportunity to lick these wounds. They do not hurt, rather, they feel uncomfortable. Not all of them healed properly. 

Treating these wounds meant changing my ways. It means throwing out all my tried and tested solutions, everything that worked in the past, they will never work now. I think this is what 2023 will be all about - breaking patterns, breaking free. But I know, this will be uncomfortable. Now I hear my Uncle say, "Everything is hard until they become easy."

It's mid-February already, and I still cry at night, not because of pain, but because of discomfort, and fear of what the future holds. But every morning, I wake up with optimism. 

Only a few days left and it's Valentine's Day again. Unlike January, February seems fast. Whenever I feel like going back to my old ways again (which is all the time), I still take a pause, and remind myself, "Ana, this shit ain't gonna work this time". 

I shall continue to lick these wounds until the discomfort is gone. So help me God.